Tears

This holiday season has brought me to tears.

With tragedies worldwide and in our own backyard, it is hard to find the joy.

I am looking! Believe me when I say I want to find all the joy I can.

I am so caught up in my own hurt that I can't see the wonderfulness of my life.

When I think about others and their hurts, I am completely blinded to joy.

I am not good with words, written or spoken.

There is so much I want to convey, but I can't find the way to get it all out.

Rey, myself and the kids are blessed beyond all measure!

We know we have a King that gave His life for us.

That is a what being blessed means. 

It's not what you have.

It's not what you do.

It's not where you live.

It's not who you know.

It's not even about what God gives you.

It is all about knowing Jesus came for you! He loves you!

This knowledge is what makes you blessed.

Even with being blessed and shown favor in many areas of my life, 

I still am hurting and battling with doubt.

There are little things that hurt:

We did not get the expected update on Liam and now will most likely have to wait until the new year before we receive any update.

I feel horrible that this is the first year since we've moved here, that I have forgotten our mail-lady at the holidays.

There are bigger things that hurt:

I feel alone in the adoption financing department.  I feel like I have to beg everyone I know, and even strangers, for a little support in bringing Liam home.

The miscarriage I suffered earlier this year is haunting me more frequently during the holidays.

I wonder daily if I am doing the best for Max and Talia.  I am constantly second guessing myself.

I truly believe Rey and I were called to adopt Liam.

I truly believe God will continue to provide (in His time) the funds needed for the adoption.

I truly believe my baby is waiting in heaven for me and I will get to hold her hand someday.

I truly believe that Max and Talia will be no more screwed up than any other kid.

Right now, it's hard to see what I believe. 

I want everything in my time, in my control, and that is not how it works with God.

In closing, I would like to ask you all to pray for peace 

and that my eyes be open to the joy around me.

Pray for all four of my babies, two at home, one in heaven, and one 1/2 a world away.

My mind is also on my babies this time of year,

and it is so hard when only two of them are here with me.

Thanks for reading all my rambles.

If you feel so lead, please click on the donate button, to the right, 

to help us in bringing Liam home.