just words

This post probably won't make a lot of sense to many.

I am not very eloquent in my words much of the time.

I hurt.

I am frustrated.

I knew this wait would be hard, I never imagined how hard.

I feel less than Christian when pleading, begging God to bring my son home now.

Not tomorrow or next week,

NOW!

My head knows God answers our prayers in His time, in His way and with His resources,

all to His glory.

I can't make my heart agree.

My heart is broken and won't listen to my head that says "just wait".

This is the most agonizing thing I have ever been through.

I try to stay busy so as not to think about this adoption, but my mind wanders back to Liam and the fact that he is half a world away. I want to hold him and cuddle him and make sure he is happy and healthy.

It's what mommas do. They raise, protect and love their children.

I am missing one of my children.

How am I suppose to cope?

What do I do with all the worry over financing the adoption?

I find myself constantly thinking about money (which I didn't do before this journey).

I know I can't do this on my own, only God can provide. However, I don't know where to go or how to follow God's footsteps on this journey.

I have lost God's whisper somewhere. He wants us to adopt, okay, we're ready lets go. We need to pay for it, okay, He will provide. BUT HOW??

And more to my point, BUT HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?

I feel like a failed parent to all my kiddos. I feel like a failed wife to Rey.

I feel like a failed daughter of God.

How much do I pray and meditate over His word before I get some type of answer. ANY ANSWER! Even it is "no", "later", "maybe".

I feel left hanging out to dry.

FORGOTTEN

It's a hard place to be for me, questioning my long held beliefs and my faith in the Almighty.

I wish I had the faith of some of my friends, never lacking. I have often wondered, how many others are struggling along their path thinking they are alone?

Well, I am struggling. I am lost. I feel forgotten.

Maybe just putting this out in the universe will help me work through the issues at hand.

Maybe it won't.

I don't know.

I just needed to get it out.